I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
