Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
