I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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