All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
