Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Holy shit dude........stairs
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
