he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
