i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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