the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
