Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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