He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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