I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
