After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
