TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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