Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
