Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
