also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
