You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
