im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
