Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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