I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
