I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize