its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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