white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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