my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My Sexting was not on an AP level
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
