You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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