and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
