Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
