What did we do last night that was yellow?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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