I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
