He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
