Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
