My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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