My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
