someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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