apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
