You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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