I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
