I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
