There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
