ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
