There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
