somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
