Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
