Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
