So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
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