I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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