Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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