I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
