so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
