Just fell off a train. Bad.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
