Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
