I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize