u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
