The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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