no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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