Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
