Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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