If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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