apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
