Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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