I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
