he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
