OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
