OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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