i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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