True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
