There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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