also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize