Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I intend to get homeless drunk
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
