I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
