No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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