Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
