So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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