I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
What drink are we having for lunch?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
