I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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