to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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