Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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